Much of the work I do as a counsellor involves clients who are caught up in the addictive life of a loved one. Clients find themselves intrinsically tangled in a web of lies, denial, hope and disappointment, not knowing what to do or how to help. There is usually self-blame and guilt too such as “I am a bad parent/ friend”.
The hard reality of this situation is you cannot do anything at all. Recovery must come from the addictive individual. No matter what you say or do or threaten falls on dead ground. And the hardest thing to do especially as a parent is to do the opposite of what feels natural, for example, making sure they have somewhere to stay, food and money. With an individual suffering from an addictive disorder, the most important thing for them is to have enough of the addictive substance. That is all. Therefore, money is a way of feeding the habit. Providing everyday essentials such as mobile phones, somewhere to stay makes things easier to carry on this addictive lifestyle.
As a counsellor, I am more concerned with those caught up in this situation, rather than the addict, because there are numerous agencies where help is available for them. My work focuses on self-care, and its importance.
The importance of self-care has been well documented by health professionals, saving billions of pounds every year. But what is self-care?
Self-care is looking after yourself. And when you are in a situation that is all consuming and occupies every minute of your day, it is easy to forget about yourself. Depression, low self-esteem and anxiety are just a few of the symptoms related to self-neglect.
Working collaboratively with a client is a way to explore how he/she can promote a healthy lifestyle that is realistic, for example, eating healthily and taking moderate exercise to going to the cinema and meeting friends so that he/she can recognise their individuality.
Al-anon (a self-help group set up to support affected others) have a saying “Detach with Love” thus giving permission to live your own life and not getting tangled up in your loved one’s addictive behaviour involving sobriety and binges.
Please do get in touch